Apparatuses, methods, and systems are disclosed for accelerated ergonomic collection of capillary blood. An apparatus and system include a blood collection module with a proximal portion including a vacuum generation chamber, a distal portion including a blood collection chamber, a concave mid portion including a pressure equalization channel configured to equalize reduced air pressure. The apparatus further includes a sealing surface to stably seal the blood collection module to the skin around a collection site and a slide latch actuated by a lengthwise sliding motion. Also included is a lancet carrier with linearly-arranged lancet strips to puncture rows of blood extraction slits in the collection site. The apparatus also includes an angled transfer port with a low-resistance non-microfluidic blood flow channel to a transfer module, then to a plasma separation module with a multilayer laminate and plasma separation membrane. Methods for accelerated ergonomic collection of capillary blood are disclosed.